E.D.- Good for the goose...

"The Business of SD is BUSINESS"

E.D. is a GOOD THING, and I aim to prove it!

In a recent op-ed in the Dakota Scout, POET Senior VP Joshua Shields made a very compelling case for using Eminent Domain to allow an out-of-state corporation by the name of Summit to forcibly gain access to private lands to run pipelines across our state for the purpose of making billions - uhhhh I mean, quote “safely transport carbon form South Dakota’s bioethanol plants to underground storage sites out of state”. Finally, someone figured out what to do with all this surplus carbon!

Well, this got me thinking.

I can’t be the only person in Sioux Falls who gets annoyed every time I’m driving down 26th street, heading West, when all of a sudden and for no particular reason, the road just ends at Kiwanis. Now I have to go way out of my way to get to Culvers, or Home Depot or wherever. 

Thanks to the magic of internet maps, we can see exactly why 26th street ends so abruptly. There’s two golf courses right in the middle of what should be a major artery in the metroplex! Think of all the retirees who are forced to drive an extra 4.8 miles every day just to get to the Cracker Barrel for 4 o’clock supper. That’s basically the definition of elder abuse. Everyone who lives in central Sioux Falls is inconvenienced by these two country clubs having the audacity to plant themselves where they frankly don’t belong.

What kind of goofy city planning is that? 

Somebody should fix it, I say.

So, I called up a colleague who works for a large development company from Iowa - Timmus Inc, which is totally real by the way - and asked him to look into the possibility of utilizing Eminent Domain mechanisms to address the concerns of the thousands of local residents who are oppressed by this wasteful and totally unnecessary detour. 

Great news! He was able to commission a report by a non-profit by the name of the Dakotans Institution of Dakota that shows that this project will not only permanently solve major traffic flow issues in central Sioux Falls, but the economic benefits to the local economy could very well be in the billions if not trillions of dollars long term.

Billions or trillions, I tell you!

Timmus’ comprehensive plan would involve paying the Minnehaha Country Club and the Country Club of Sioux Falls fair market value for the prospective properties, whether they like it or not;  then developing that land into a Horizontal Mixed-Use project that would include high-rise affordable apartments, single dwelling luxury homes, offices and restaurants. With approximately 400 acres to play with, Timmus envisions a minimum of 1,100 new homes for local residents to choose from. And, there is a greater than zero chance we could convince one of the mega hospitals to build another massive complex in our new development, so they can cure cancer once and for all! That would create so many dang jobs that anyone who gets laid off from the golf courses will be scooped up and probably paid a lot more money than they made cutting the grass or serving gin and tonics to drunk geezers.

Now THAT is some potent E.D. (economic development)!

According to some estimates, somewhere, over the next 15 years, personal income will increase by $2.3 billion, or something, while creating maybe upwards of like, uh, 10,000 new jobs. Just imagine!

Also, if Kamala Harris is elected, we can count on a huge pile of federal subsidies to help pay for this project because of all the energy we’ll be saving by not having to drive all over tarnation just to get some Sonic ice. The future of our precious planet depends on this happening, so if you’re against the idea then I guess you just hate the earth. Also, the farmers.

Now, I can already hear some of the complaints from the small-minded naysayers out there: “What about the country clubbers who love playing golf and eating overpriced meals together?” Well, we can just explain to those rich wackadoodles that they need to shut up and get with the program; because in South Dakota we are about GROWTH, PROSPERITY, INDUSTRY AND ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT, and we don’t want to hear about any of their dumb fringe ideas about “property rights” and “freedom” blah blah blah. Over 99% of South Dakotans would not be harmed by this worthwhile project. Additionally, our studies show that this project will ultimately raise the price of golf, which is great for the economic development of the golfing industry! The numbers don’t lie. Besides, I would imagine that a significant number of those country club members are very big fans of the glorious CO2 pipeline project, and all of it’s promised riches that will flow to various business entities around here. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!

Another potential use of this playground is wind turbines. Wind energy already has an enormously well-funded lobby machine, so getting a few dozen planted on the top of the hills in this area should be a formality. In fact, why not put these beautiful monstrosities on EVERY hilltop in Sioux Falls? Just think of the economic development that will spring forth! Now if you’re a Townie who thinks that sounds like a nightmare scenario, please remember: this is about E C O N O M I C D E V E L O P M E N T (E.D), which is a good thing for this state, and you!

The Business of South Dakota is Business. And that should be the end of it. You see, when crony capitalists use propaganda to leverage their billion dollar boondoggles on an unsuspecting populace, it’s important to incessantly repeat inane phrases that rhyme. Besides, this project will without a doubt in my mind help to increase the price of corn, somehow. Not one farmer or rancher that I’ve spoken to is against this idea. So, obviously it’s good for South Dakota!

This is also why, by the way, everyone should definitely vote Yes on Amendment H on November 6, so we can have the right kind of candidates to choose from. No more will we be plagued by the fringe weirdos who run for office blathering on and on about issues that have nothing to do with making money. After all, in South Dakota we have a long history of private and public partnerships that have made more than one billionaire around here. Ever heard of “Usury laws”?

Haha. T. Denny Sanford sure has.

Repeat after me : The Business of South Dakota is Business.

My proposals are 100% about economic development in our great state, so no self-respecting business-minded person should be against this, particularly since this economic development proposal of mine could have profound positive impact on future generations: climate change, infrastructure, diversity and sustainability. WE MUST DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN. FULL STOP.

And that got me thinking even more… so much thinking that my head started to spin.

What if - now hear me out - this housing development implemented an HOA that required all new residents to buy brand new mattresses that have to be manufactured right here in Sioux Falls? Think of all that economic development!

Why, my company alone would have to immediately begin construction to expand our facilities, and triple our staff. We’d be creating more jobs! And since our mattresses last longer than the out-of-state mass-produced brands, we can surely obtain federal sustainability subsidies to lower the price for consumers which benefits everyone!

Then I took this bold economic development plan even further. What if we convinced key figures in our legislature to pass laws that required all South Dakota citizens to only buy mattresses that are manufactured in this state? And then we “convinced” the governor to sign these laws? I mean, why in the world do our fellow South Dakotans need to be sending their money to out-of-state companies just to get a basic good night’s sleep? Maybe we can even figure out how to use Eminent Domain schemes to force people to replace the really old gross beds they are too cheap to get rid of. And what about the folks who live in “mattress deserts”? We must address this issue. Oh, I can taste the economic development right now! After all, why shouldn’t I be able to buy a $45 million Gulfstream jet too?

                                                POET’s little puddle jumper

If you share my enthusiasm for the economic development possibilities, care about the future of South Dakota, love farmers and puppies, then please send me a check for $50,000 so we can get started lobbying the right people and get to work making life better for a select few of us in South Dakota! 

But, if you think that what I'm proposing sounds like greedy crony capitalism, and that I’m justifying using the power of the State to make some cronies and myself more wealthy and powerful at the expense of private property rights,  then vote NO on RL21. Tell the government and crony capitalists “No thank you. I’ll pass on the E.D.!”

Here’s a great song created by the talented Mr. Goeller.

Please give it a listen!